A few weeks ago, I got the opportunity to attend a super fun event with other bloggers and Mom Bosses that were totally inspiring to me. I always love hearing how successful women become successful and what they do to stay that way. And because I’m such a super generous and thoughtful person (ha!), I partnered with STARTplanner to share some tips that I have learned with you!
So this morning on our way to gym we had a weird discussion or well the statement was made:
” Well we are our influences”
Are we really our influences? Do we really have to turn out like our genes are mapped out? Do we have to become a doctor because that’s in our genes? Or because our great grand aunty was a doctor? Does it mean because my grandmother was a singer I need to go to Idols.
I really don’t think we are our influences. Yes! rightfully so we are influenced by our surroundings, yes! we aspire to be certain things because we look up to our role models but it doesn’t mean I have to stop making decisions on who I want to be.
We are all capable of change and telling ourselves you know what just because I come from a poverty struck environment doesn’t mean that this is my life and this is my future.
I grew up in a single parent home, my mother was always angry, she may have been hurt but I remember a mother that was always angry, roaring, hated my father. My opinion of my father was immediately altered because of the things I heard. She is an amazing woman she worked hard for me and always wanted the best for us but she, too, had flaws but at that time she did the best she knew how.
When I had my son I started to notice I was the same I was always tired and I was always just mad at the world. but I started writing in my journal and acknowledged that I don’t have to be mad. My sons feelings and opinions of his father will not come from me. One day he will ask but why? when? how? who? what? and I will tell him the truth without badmouthing and without anger because this is his parent. I tell myself daily I am not my parents, I am not going to raise my child in the environment I grew up in. I made that decision to not become my influences.
We are not our influences. We make the decision to choose the path we are on!
The teacher calls me into the kids bathroom at the daycare and reckons:
Teacher: Cayhan is getting rude lately!
Me: Silent! (listening)
Teacher: Im just wondering if its been happening at home as well.
Me: Im not sure what you mean.
Teacher: He’s been showing middle finger and is head strong. and you know theres lower class, theres middle class and theres upper class.
Me: Um excuse me
Teacher: Yes and we dont want your son to be classified that way.
Me: RESTING BITCH FACE. So just because he showed middle finger once hes suddenly rude and lower class. Did you ever think that maybe he saw it from the kids at your school because he comes home to only me and spends the rest of the day with you and the kids at this school, and I certainly dont walk around showing people middle finger.
Teacher: Hes also very grumpy when he comes in here in the morning.
Me: He wakes up at 5am in the morning what did you think was going to happen.
First off lemme say I raise my son with an opinion, to say when he doesnt like something and to express when something bothers him. To the real old school world that is disrespecful. Well No it simply isnt. As parents we send our kids into this harsh cold world and we need them to be able to defend themselves and not keep quiet when things are not okay. To most people this may seem like im raising a disrespectful kid but you know what just like adults kids need to be heard too and have the right to disagree.
With that said, I noticed my son is not a morning person (like his momma) and he doesnt like people being in his face/personal space. He will either move away or if the person in his face shows aggression he will then either push them back or say something. As adults we find it disrespectful for another grown up to be in your personal space but its okay for an adult to be direct in a childs face. No way! They are humans too.
Why are people still classifying? I mean children dont know the difference. They definitely know thats someone I could play with. Why do we as adults feel we need to classify. Who cares what race,class, or social group you’re in. Are we not all humans.
I treat my child like a human and a kid growing with an opinion. I also teach him to respect someone elses opinion and also encourage him to understand that not everyone will agree with your opinion and also like your opinion, as they are entitled to their opinion too!
My question is why is it okay for adults to have bad days but not okay for children to have bad days? Why is it okay for adults to be grumpy when they wake up but for children to just be jolly when they wake up?
They are human too!
For the past 3 years and even through my pregnancy I solely only went to work and took care of my son. When my son started going every alternate weekend to his father I realised I forgot who I was as a woman. My days go by quickly I strive to be a great mom I ain’t saying I’m perfect but conscious parenting that’s my thing. My days are hard sometimes but I put on some gangster rap and I handle it.
But … I forgot what it was like to be a woman. I don’t miss my old life but I didn’t have a life all I knew was corporate and mommy.
Somethings gotta give.
The 3rd weekend into this alternate weekend thing I got up and decided I’m gonna do me. I left the house just the way it was, packed my backpack and went on a roady. I went to the beach and wrote In my journal with no disturbances, no interuptions, just me. This felt good. I felt guilty because I missed my son but I had to remember me for a second.
On my way home I decided I’m going to watch a movie. ‘Bad moms’ – the irony!😁. I was alone in an empty theater and I laughed my ass off.
I felt full again. I remembered me!
As moms we forget ourselves because we’re so focused on holding down the fort. But loving yourself only makes you even stronger and once you are able to love yourself only then are you able to love another completely. Our children are happiest when we are happy I experience this time and time again. For the first time in 3 years I felt no guilt in taking time out for myself without having my kid with me. We are allowed to have lazy time and not do a thing. We are allowed to just skip the routine and eat breaky at noon.
.. but you best believe on Sunday I was making a full on Sunday dinner cos I couldn’t wait to have my loud mouth home again!
Our days are always busy but I tend to make it a habit to go to bed together. So we fall asleep together and wake up together. I’m all for consistency.
In bed we will conversate about alsorts if things. Last night he was just laying there and I asked “honey are you tired” and he just goes silent and I knew well today must have been a hectic one. I tucked him in and turned around to sleep he sneaks up on me. “Momma I sleep on ur pillow with you ” he put his arm around me and he tell me momma you are my best friend.
All the bad moments in my day became a distant memory. This child has the ability to make my world an awesome place and he doesn’t even know it. My every reason to smile.
As I dosed off I spent a moment thanking God for my blessing and for his favour. I realised how short life really is, we spend our lives bustling about forgetting the little things. But those little things? They make up the big things !
Someone once told me they have goals and their only goal was not like mine “watching my kid grow up to be great”. I was offended by it but of course we all have our own opinions so I respected that opinion.
As a mother I put my son first regardless of how really selfish I want to be. That’s true, I am excited to live for many years to see how great he will become. I probably got really upset because the person does not really know what I do on a daily basis to even begin to judge but I don’t hold him at fault.
Being a mom you constanly put yourself second even if you really want that last slice of pizza. It’s genuinely something I do without thinking.
Yesterday I walked into the store and I really wanted those shoes but then as I’m standing by the check out I saw the cutest pair of sneakers for my son, so guess what? I left my shoes and surprised him with those sneakers and I don’t even miss those shoes.
The smile on my sons face is worth than anything in this world. When I brought him in this world it was a silent decision to myself that I would give this child my best no matter what.
Sundays I always wish to sleep a little late – Maybe 10 minutes or so, I would settle for a lousy 2 minutes.
Of course not … I’m raising a toddler.
I start getting ready for the day and he’s riding his motorbike from the kitchen to the room. Next thing I hear ….
Wait what? This cant be normal. ‘Lemme go check.
I walk into the kitchen and took off his pull-up and defecated all over his wagon and decided he’s Picaso this morning and painted my kitchen floor with his droppings. I stood there (in my head: Are you freaking kidding me, I must be dreaming, there’s crap all over my floor).
“Momma dirty, dirty, dirty”
In silence, I remove him from the scene of the accident, put him in the bath and walked away. I get to the room and start laughing, I thought this was really funny, I cant even get mad. So I find myself cleaning poop, disinfecting my kitchen floor and all the poop covered toys.
I came to the realization that silence is not allowed when you raising a toddler. Because in less than 2 minutes, they can find the most amazing things to do.
I have reached a new High. I could have reacted in two ways 1. I could have yelled and the deed was already done so that wouldn’t help. 2. I could have made him clean it up, but that would have made it even worst because the mess would turn into a disaster.
I find myself laughing instead …
Kids will be kids. I choose my battles. Its simpler that way. My joy lies in seeing him smile and if I constantly yell at every small thing, that smile will continuously be tears. Now with that said — reprimanding comes when you stick your fingers where they dangerously do not belong but something this small – Nah we can get over it.
Growing up, my parents barely told us they loved us. They needed us to know – I mean obviously they loved us, they raised us, they fed us, they were there for us THAT IS LOVE.
Sometimes you need to hear it though but that’s not how they were raised. So you only practice what you know. That’s the way life works, I guess. But we never doubted how much my mother loved us. She was pretty amazing at raising us and I hope someday I’m half the mother to my son as she is to me. Forgive my emo moment
When I birthed my son I got into the habit of saying I love you to him. There’s just something about that three words that makes you feel warm and cosy in the arms of the person that says it. I make it my duty to say I love you to him every single day. And he always cheeses at me like “is this lady crazy or what 😅” but he will then respond “momma hug cayhan hug”. Yeah we have our special (momma: he squeezes me. cayhan will turn around and I need to squeeze him ).
I’m usually the one saying I love you honey to him but today something amazing happened. He said “luh you momma” out of his own. I felt so proud. Being consistent really works and although it seems as though they aren’t listening they are.
Saying I love you and meaning it is so important. Children get it.
Miss Tolker ❤
Being a mother is hard work, being a single parent is thrillingly hard sometimes but oh so worth it. I spend my day working hard on my career which is both stressful and rewarding. I leave work and job #2 begins you have to switch over from corporate brain to mommy brain, so we spend time talking about our day, looking at his art, laugh and joke and get ready for bed. Once he’s asleep I start preparing for the next day and that’s how my days go.
Busy busy busy
Some days aren’t easy. I never wish for extra hands because you get used to doing it all but often times I wish for more time in the day. I am a working parent so I constantly find myself feeling guilty because I send my little human to daycare for 8 hours everyday. If I had my way I’d be a stay at home mom and be there for my kid all the time but this is obviously the real world and we gotta work to provide for our kids. I do this with love ❤
Every evening I force myself to spend time writing in my highs and lows journal. I write down my highs of the day and my lows of my day. I also have a grateful journal where I write down 5 things I’m grateful for every single day. I do that so I never lose sight of my amazing blessings.
Every Sunday afternoon my son and I do pedis. He’s only two but he loves it he’s extremely calm and it gives me great pleasure.
I also catch up on series. Being mary jane is my favourite right now.
I read. Kindle is my new favourite.
I blog, I write music because that’s what I do.
Finding time for yourself is extremely important because As a mother you are constantly giving love to your little human being and If you’re on reserve there’s nothing to give love from. You have to love yourself and take care of yourself so much that there’s always an overflow so you can share it with others.
I say this because I see many single parents – mothers stressed out because there’s no plan. There’s no structure. No schedule. I’m a freak so I’m definitely not judging others. Being an avid over planner and prepping for everything is what works for me. That way I’m able to smile all of the time and see my kid smile back at me. The joy in it all is what I find most rewarding.
A happy mother + happy child = happy life
You’re doing an amazing job raising your child but don’t forget yourself in the process. You count too.
Miss Tolker ❤